I love my husband. I didn’t always. In fact, I didn’t always know what to think about him. Sometimes, I still don’t, but that’s okay.
Whether you’re married, engaged, or you decided to start a family without all those formalities, growing together in a relationship is a vital key to having a long-term relationship. Relationship maintenance is fine for shorter periods of time, but there needs to be growth.
I knew my husband for about ten months before we got engaged. We had a short engagement by some standards—engaged July 4th, married December 19th of the same year. We did not live together before our marriage. I would commute 40 minutes through rush-hour traffic to see him a couple of times a week. Once in a while, I’d spend a night at his house, but that’s it. I definitely think the pandemic accelerated our relationship, though. He’s a very social person, and before COVID-19 hit, he hosted friends at his house regularly and went to church groups every week. During the pandemic, all those things stopped, and I became his social world.
He taught me how to play cribbage, we’d set off mini fireworks and sparklers on summer nights, he cooked for me, and we’d watch movies and shows together and have discussions about them afterward. We are both Christians, but with vastly different backgrounds, so we’d talk about that sometimes and see how aligned we were in our beliefs. Turns out we’re pretty well aligned!
The point is, even before marriage, we did things together, grew closer, and grew in our shared experiences.
After marriage and kids, things can get derailed pretty quickly. I admit there are days I hardly talk to my husband at all. He goes to work before I wake up, gets home to eat supper, and we’ll sit down to watch TV together, or he’ll hop on video games with his friends for the rest of the evening. Sometimes we’ll chat for five minutes before we go to bed and go to sleep. There are days I feel my whole world is my baby. My husband will ignore me, and I’ll let him. I’m an introvert, so I don’t mind being alone. Besides that, I love my baby very much.
But, sometimes I don’t let him ignore me.
Some days, especially on weekends, I need him to do things for me around the house. Early on in our marriage, I gave him a “honey-do” list, and he told me I reminded him of his mom, so I stopped doing that. However, I’ll present tasks in a more simple way, now, giving him one or two at a time so he’ll (usually) remember to do them.
If I am feeling lonely in our relationship, I let him know. He takes the time to sit there and talk with me, do a puzzle, watch the baby, or do whatever I need him to do to help me feel like it’s a joint effort. Because parenting and relationships are joint efforts.
Be unified
If you are with someone who doesn’t think it’s a joint effort to be in a relationship or to raise a child (especially if it’s theirs), I urge you to ask them why. Because, as a woman, I don’t see it as my job to keep the house and raise the babies. It’s a very “Trad” concept, and as a Christian, I also don’t think it’s a Biblical one. Fathers in the Bible are called to admonish their children and bring them up in the ways of the Lord. That doesn’t sound like it’s only the mom’s job, right?
In order to parent effectively, a father and mother need to be a unified front. All the parenting things that I’ve read/watched say this: Be united, be consistent, and give immediate consequences.
To be united in parenting, you need to be united in your relationship. Kids can sense tension and disunity, and they will act out accordingly.
So think about that. Think about the ways your marriage or relationship could improve. Is your partner ignoring you? Do you withhold yourself from them? Are finances tight? Are there areas of parenting that you disagree on? Do you fight a lot about a certain thing?
Figure out an area where you can grow and go for it. Some couples go to counseling to sort things out. If you belong to a church, your pastor or a deacon is usually a great resource for this. There are plenty of good secular therapists out there, too. Or, talk to friends! A lot of people go through relationship struggles, and if you have friends who did and are now doing well, it might help to talk to them.
A lot of times, relationship issues can be resolved by just taking an hour and sitting down together and talking about your issues and coming up with a solution, a compromise that will suit you both.
Set relationship goals
Marriage is not a winner/loser situation. It is a complementary one. A wife is the helpmate of the husband, not the doormat, and not the ruler of the roost. You need to grow closer to one another so you can demonstrate for your children what a good relationship looks like, or they will be more likely to choose bad ones in the future.
Children learn a lot by example. If they see you getting along and talking about your problems like civilized people, they will view this behavior as normal and healthy.
Conversely, if they hear you shouting behind closed doors about whose job it is to make the bed (more on this topic later 🙂) or why he’s spending money on video games when you’re already broke and can barely afford diapers, then your children will see this as normal behavior and will act likewise—or will run from you.
There’s a reason all my siblings-in-law are in therapy and only talk to their parents when necessary. It’s not just because my mother-in-law is self-righteous or because my father-in-law was an alcoholic. It’s because they couldn’t unite, and their relationship wasn’t growing. Eventually, it fell apart, and it hurt people, including them.
Did they learn from their mistakes? No.
Can you? Yes.
Growing in your relationship doesn’t mean you have to go out on a date once a month. You can do that if you think it will help, but it’s not necessary. It doesn’t mean you have to make a budget. But, if finances are something you argue about, it might help.
Make it your goal to find things to do that will bring you closer together. Maybe go on a hike and chat while surrounded by peaceful nature. Address your small issues before they become big issues. It means that you need to talk to the other person out of a place of love, not disappointment or spite or anger. If you are angry with something your significant other has done, reflect on it first and confront the matter after you’ve calmed down.
Just remember, words spoken in a loving way are more effective than words spoken out of exasperation, whether they’re for your partner or your child.
Now get out there and grow like tulips in spring!
Recommended Reading List:
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
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